A different kind of cloud

When it's misty here, the sloping paddock opposite the cottage takes on a magical air. The stream running along the bottom means a thick mist there that rolls along like a fallen cloud running to play in the adjoining woods. A few weeks ago, the day I wrote this post, it was one of those early mornings. The mist was thick - from the far side of the paddock our cottage is about 300 feet away and I couldn't see it, couldn't even see the other side of the field - so I let the dogs off their leads and watched the cloud as they ran off to explore.

This day it wasn't heading for woods, along the stream, hugging the trees. This day it was rolling up the slope towards me, at quite a speed. I wondered what would happen if I walked into it, because I felt as if hands were pushing me to do just that. Would the density of the water droplets mean that it was only visible from a distance? Would it disappear up close? I took a few steps forward and met it halfway. Still visible. Still dense.

I stood, wrapped in cloud, and listening seemed to be the only thing to do. Nothing. But I didn't feel alone. I could feel 'something' there with me.

What are you? Who are you?


Are you the Spirit of this place? The Spirit of water?

We are before spirit.

What does that mean?

It means we are before spirit.

Who is 'we'?


Are you 'good' or 'bad'?

We are neither and both. We are maybe. We may be.

Not helping. I have to say, I feel very uncomfortable. I feel as if you are bad.

We are not.

Well then are you good? Are you, like, Source? So, sort of, like, 'Love'? Because this doesn't feel good.

We are not. We are before those things.

I don't understand.

We are everything and we are nothing. We are everything before it becomes anything. 

Like building blocks?

Perhaps. We are unchosen intention. We are potential decisions. We are anything.

Why are you talking to me?

We aren't. You are hearing us.

This is beginning to piss me off.


Okay. So. How do you work? Does Spirit use you? Can we access you?

Everything uses us, often without knowing. Every choice moves us into form; both the chosen thing and the unchosen thing become 'real'. And if nothing actively chooses a form for us, we move with the flow. You can access us always. With us you can create anything. Listen...anything. What is your biggest, most beautiful dream? Because with our help there is no reason you cannot make it happen. Just tell us what it is. But be aware, the place where you do not make it happen becomes real too. You must choose to follow the path to creation.

I still don't really get what or who you are? Humour me, give me a name I can relate to...talk to. Please?

If you need a name you can call us numen. We are made of potential, of possibility, of infinite combination. And we are always here and everywhere.

This is when Digby came bounding up for a biscuit and this bizarre conversation ended. I wondered what the heck a numen is. I knew the word numinous but didn't really know its root. To be honest it was conjuring up images of Gru's Minions so I got home and Googled it.

Well, well, well.

Seriously. I didn't know the word. And I definitely heard the singular, not plural, version. Something tells me they would say they are one and many.

Naturally, since then the conversation has been on a loop in my head. I've been loathe to write about it because looneytunes. But it's not going away and every word is true. This last week I've had reason to think about my biggest, most beautiful dream and believe that I can follow the path to its creation. But that's a whole nother post.

In the meantime, keep an ear open for the numen. You'll know it/them by the yellow skin and the dungarees.


A good day

My day? Up with the Sun, meditate with the cat, make my morning offerings. Have a chat with the Spirits. Read, have coffee, and then into the shop to plan the day's work. Design something! Make something! Mail something!
First meal at around 11 or noon, then (in the cold seasons) take the house dogs out to go see the chickens and the chicken dogs. In the summer this happens first thing or it’s too damn hot! Do some work outside gardening or such if the weather and insects allow. Then back to the shop until it is time to make dinner. Post dinner is usually a movie with my wife.
It would probably be incredibly boring for many — we live a fairly reclusive, very quiet life. I am very happy if I don’t have to leave our immediate area more than once a month. I love it!
Aidan Wachter 

I read the above as part of an interview with Aidan (whose work speaks straight to my heart) and instantly thought,'Oh...except for the cat and the wife (substitute dogs and de facto husband), this is the day I dream of.'

And it's not really so different to many of mine. It did me a lot of good to see something I aspire to, written down so simply. So within reach. My brain has been overloaded recently with a search for absolutely unnecessary definition and I think a degree of that has been down to my immersion in social media. Especially Instagram. I do love Instagram. There is nothing wrong with social media, I just have a tendency to go too deep and become a little obsessive about All The Pretties. Or All The Pit Bulls because OBSESSED.

So I took Instagram and Twitter off my phone. I used the Chrome app, BlockSite to block them, Facebook, and a certain UK-based newspaper gossip rag on my laptop and work PC. I was horrified by how hard the first day without them was. I mean, really? Have I come to this?

The plan is to continue for the week and then consider adding Instagram back to the mix. My Twitter feed is 99% dogs up for re-homing and frankly I doubt I'm making much difference there, so I think I'll keep it purely for automated Instagram and blog notifications. Facebook, ditto because I hate Facebook and can't even remember why I reactivated it.

I'm also surprised at how strange and uncomfortable it initially felt not to be posting photos and tweets through out the day. Turns out my 'I find it difficult to put ANYthing out in the world' post may have had a good dose of bullshit in it because look at me..itching to share!

I'm no Off Grid Woman, I love tech. I just need to be responsible with it and with a lot of other things that I've let slide. A strong SAD reaction this seasonal changeover has left me reeling, not quite sure where I am or what the hell month it is, never mind the day. My body is all out of kilter but I know exactly how to heal it and that...is a whole other post.

Tomorrow is my day off work. School runs and torrential rain aside, I'm going to try to factor in as much of this ideal day as I can. I hope you have a good one too.


I am the Mother

Does it hurt that we take away the plants you've grown, season after season? Pull ploughs through you every year, leaving nothing to just live for more than a few months? Use you this way?

"Ha! No, not like this. Of course not. I am the Mother. I feed, I provide. Oh the big stuff hurts; I find it hard to recover and sometimes I don't. I have wounds. But smaller fields of plants that feed you and other animals - that's not so different from what I've always been. As long as you treat me with love and respect. 

Here, along the edges where you live, you see me both farmed and wild and those states are not so dissimilar. In both I give shelter and food. Tell me, where do you feel most nurtured and nourished by me?"

Well my instant reaction would be, 'in the woods' but actually I also love the crop fields. I love the paths left by the tractor wheels, the views over open land across the county, the smell of turned earth, the sea of grain moving in a breeze, the straw bales at the end of summer, the fossils thrown up by the ploughs.

"So you love me when I work and when I rest. When I make money for humans and when I just let life live. Is the value of one diminished by the other? Is there not beauty and worth in both?

Listen. Do no harm. Do what your soul must do. Do it honestly, to nurture and nourish, and without exploitation. Work and rest and be ashamed of neither.

I am the Mother. I love you anyway."


Thoughts from here

Here's #321 in my series Posts Based On Bad (And Entirely Intuited) Science. You're welcome.

I was listening to Jonathan Fields's (yes you can, when it's a name) latest Good Life Riff: Life is a contact sport. It's one of those little gems that states the bleedin' obvious* in such a way that you actually hear it. He talks about how easy it is to keep spinning around your plans and ideas in your head, looking for all the answers internally before you dare to send it out into the world when hey...the answers are OUTside. *You have to put this stuff out there to get the feedback and learn. You have to make contact with the outside world.

And so I got to thinking... (because I once watched Sex & The City)...is this sticking point more engrained in introverts?

My own brand of introversion is fairly hard core. I find it difficult to put ANYthing out in the world. Feelings, spoken words, creative output, ideas. I do it, sure, but I can't sustain, I get exhausted very quickly and back I go, inwards, where everything makes sense and I feel strong. Where I believe I'll get all the answers. It's not about fear of failure/success or much of anything else. It's about feeling like a discarded snakeskin within about 45 minutes.

And maybe that makes me very, very good at falling into the trap that Fields describes.

What's the answer? Well, on a social level, if I have been able to spend a lot of time alone - a lot...a big lot - then I'm as up for a small-gathering-of-like-minded-people-with-whom-I-can-discuss-the-big-ideas-and-maybe-listen-to-some-non-intrusive-music as the next guy. I can par-tay. Kind of. I can do 'outwards'.

So perhaps my ability to put my ideas and work outside my head and heart also depends on how well my introvert batteries have been charged. Perhaps I need to understand that my output is not that regular, not that frequent and not even all that sustained. Because I need to spend a disproportionate amount of time on the inside and that. is. fine. Also, while I'm in there, remember that the aim is ultimately to step outside to see what happens next and that 'outside' might only be my front step, which is also fine. Because not everything good and fulfilling is internal or waaaaay out there.

Do you think, perhaps too much, before you 'step outside' or does it come naturally? Have you a method for turning it all inside-out that works for you?



Y'know that thing? That thing where you have nothing at all to say and you have way, waaaaaay too much?


There's this huge, enormous, land magic thing that's going on with me but I don't feel I can write about it because it's crazy talk. Only it's true. Perhaps not meant to be written about. Yet.

There's musing on daughter-hood and what it means to me as someone who has always felt responsible for (and expected to be) fulfilling a large part of the role my own mother should take in my extended family.

There's a handful of health issues among that extended family that are taking up big parts of my heart.

There's the integration of Digby, our new four-legged family member, which is going spectacularly well and fascinates me more than it does anyone else so I'll just shut up. And fill my Instagram feed with dog photos.

There's SPRING! #sunshine #plants #flowers #gardening #rebirth #new beginnings.

There's day-to-day, happy, family life and deep gratitude for it.

There's just so. much. stuff. And yet I seem to be sitting in the middle of it, just observing the quiet tornado, not really engaging with any of it for any length of time. It's weird.

It's my birthday this weekend and while I doubt very much that anything other than a normal weekend will happen, that Return To The Start vibe...the completion and the beginning again...oh it'll probably just give me a whole new lot of things to think on as I sit amid the spiraling trees, dogs, pills, flowers, text messages, dreams, laundry, crows, and the strangest feeling that I am being pulled by some invisible magnet towards something I cannot yet imagine.